PhranQi EleKtriK INtriGue

2008-03-10T19:15:00.000-05:00

my kitchen

2008-03-10T19:12:00.000-05:00

my wall display in my room

2008-03-10T19:10:00.000-05:00

my bathroom

2008-03-10T19:07:00.000-05:00

weirdest snow day in texas outside my apartment

2008-03-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

My upside down christmas tree

Growing up

2008-03-10T18:48:00.000-05:00

Well, its been a long time since I posted because of the move to my new apartment and lack of internet for several months. A lot goes on in a few months, so bit by bit Ill catch up on whats happened. First, thing is my apartment across from the TWU campus which is one of the best things that ever happened in my life. I love having my own place, learning to be responsible and how to deal with roomates and bills. I have gone through 2 roomates now. But I also introduced my ex-roomate to an employee I worked with and they are currently engaged. I am so happy for them. Christmas was interesting, busy of course in the retail world of hobby lobby. New years slowed down a bit and by valentines it started to pick up on sales. I stayed very busy working up to 65 hour weeks at the end of last year. I now am hoping for a better paying job.

Mundayz

2007-10-08T21:17:00.000-05:00

Today was munday!
I worked 13 hours but enjoyed it a lot.
There's a new girl at work who I like
She is tall and skinny
She likes dance music too.
And she is chipper.
So at least I have a new friend again.
Today at work,
I was hanging bags on the pegboard and fell right into a lower metal peg
It cut me in the head.
oops!
oh well, I'm okay.
And I found out that my friend Sarah who relapsed,
somehow ended up in Irving, not to her knowledge,
even though she was driving.
Then landed in jail the same night she left
One night of partying and totals her car,
gets a DWI
lands in jail for 5 days
and more miserable than she was.
She talked to me on the phone.
She is with her parents and hopes to come back to solutions on Friday.
I am so glad she is alive.
I've worried about her every day she has been gone.
ENiewey,
I have to be at work at 8am so seeya!

Good, Bad, and the crack house

2007-10-07T12:16:00.000-05:00

Well today is a new day and a day off!
feels good.
my roomate JD returned last night from Nacadoches.
Bought me a present
Glad he's back to keep me sane.
There is only 3 people in our house now.
Bill, who was in our house relapsed and now is dead.
He got in a car wreck while he was drunk.
this is a horrible disease, and it shows.
Also, my good friend Sarah at the women's house relapsed.
I was hurt by her pretty deep.
She up and quit her job and went to Dallas
wanting no help and no direction.
I miss her and hope her well.
But I thought she knew better.
Cindy, Becky, and I work together and have fun.
We had a corporate visit from Hobby Lobby and My department
was highly praised for the overall look and compliance to company relays and organization.
I feel like I work where I'm ment to be.
I love my job so much.
I work every day and sometimes get a sunday off.
I get overtime like crazy because I'm appreciated so much.
And, about the townhouse.
It is currently being put off not by my choice.
But, My sponsor recomends I wait until I am well set in helping others before I move.
I was upset at him the night he told me, but I understand now that My impulsivity is not always the best answer.
I am going to stay at the halfway house for probably 2-3 more months for now and be able to plan better and get all the help I can from the owners of Solutions of north Texas.
They can help me with programs who finance first month rent and deposit as well as donations of furniture and such.
I feel this is right to stay and plan better.
I am no longer bitter about it.
By the way, I want to only use my new e-mail address, so if you need it let me know.

yeehaw!

2007-10-01T21:10:00.000-05:00

Hello again
it's been a while since I last blogged.
So here's the update.
I now have 31/2 months sober.
I am excited about a lot of positive news in my life.
I was promoted at work to full time with benefits.
I now work around 60 hours a week
which is good to keep me occupied
also, JD and I were approved for a townhouse in north Denton
we hope to move in on the 11th of October.
I am so excited to have a place finally under my name.
A lot has been going right lately and I feel more positive now.
There has been a sinking depression though.
Although I am dealing with it pretty well.
I met a girl named Jessica at work a month ago.
her and I quickly became good friends and hung out a lot
it was good to have such a close friend again
but a few days ago, she up and left to go to Austin with her abusive boyfriend
she is planning on marriage
She told me she was comming back
but told JD that she is not and told him to not tell me.
he did and I cried.
My friend, Sarah in the program at the Women's house
was originally my best friend and we were going to live together.
but she wanted to stay at the House.
She left today to live in Kurville
I am beginning to lose my friends again
I can't get ahold of Melissa or Stephanie
The only one who is staying is my roommate.
I hope to create new friends soon and know I have the ability
but, it becomes harder when they all decide to leave me
I always fear abandonement.
I continually get scolded in the office about rent and why I'm leaving here
but, I told them this morning I had no time to deal with that
I know it's time to move on from here and I have very little fear of relapse
I work my program of recovery as best I can
I love my job and even helped a new woman get a job there
She loves it and is a hard worker.
It felt good to help someone out.
her sister and her are both hairdressers and they are going to give me a free haircut for helping her get a job.
people in the program are so good to me when I help them, well mostly the women, but I have hope for a good future.
If I can, Mom and Dad will be paid off soon enough.
My resentments will be dealt with and I will be continually helping others.
hoping to write and post more often.

2007-08-04T22:06:00.000-05:00

today was awkward
a lot of things were sour
first, I had to awaken around 7am
to go to work on time
luckily Erick gave me a lift
I worked hard as usual
but for some reason I was irritable
nothing seemed to cause it
it just was there today
I was annoyed by all my customers
when they interrupted my little projects
and I felt sluggish too
I am scheduled to work 14 hours next week
I thought they liked me at work
well I talked them into 3 more hours woopee!
I am too negative I need to watch the secret again
thanks Caroline, I'll return it soon
i was prepared to ride the bus after work
to get to the square station
because it doesn't run to the house after 5:15
but Melissa showed up and picked me up
we had fun laughing as usual
but she was sent out by a roommate of mine
a 33 year old child
who claimed she makes him feel like crap all the time
she has done nothing but befriended him
buying him food and drinks
and taking him places
He turned out of the blue telling me she can't come to the house or he'll talk to the manager
I said okay grinding my teeth
but I baked an omelet and oatmeal squares for us and told Melissa to stay while we eat
I talked to my sponsor, scared this guy might turn on me or Melissa in a violent way
My sponsor said to give it a day
because this guy tends to have weird reactions and delusions
bi-polar unmanageability
I don't feel safe right now
I have no preparation for his actions
that scares me a bit
on the other hand another guy in the house took me and JD to the movie tavern
where one of our housemates works and got us in free
we watched the simpson's movie and he bought me fries and a drink
which was really cool of him
Melissa is dumbfounded and has no clue what happened with the psycho
She was told by him that she had an addict mind and that she needed help
Melissa has shown to be in control of mind altering substances
she doesn't ever bring anyone at the house into using anything
she never is inebriated while she is here
with sufficient reason she can stop and has
she is not an addict
she is sporadic and impulsive sometimes
but she doesn't make people feel like crap
she makes people laugh
I think if this guy threatens me at all in anyway
I'm calling the cops
Thats my solution if someone is unpredictable
I am going to try and get him the mental health somewhere else where he is not hurting others
this guy use to talk whith me and be my friend
what happened to his mind?
I care about him in a nonshoulant way
but I have to be able to protect myself in a sufficient way though
I feel he would better be suited in a mental hospital in my opinion
and as for Melissa, she feels like this is her fault and she doesn;t deserve that
so I have to do something by tomorrow to take care of this catastrophe
love you all!

2007-08-01T21:52:00.000-05:00

well July is now over
I love my job at Hobby Lobby very much
It sure doesn't give me the hours I need for rent
but, I have been given extra hours so far
and I enjoy the company of the ladies and guys I work with
I have an interview with El Chico tomorrow afternoon
That might help the money situation out
I am preceeding with that interview to supplement my income
not to change occupations

Lately, I have been suffering many partial seizures
I was put on medicine for seizures about two weeks ago
and it seems to help a lot
However I decided another route to raising my seizure threshhold
It is an old diet which proves very successful for seizure control
Its called the ketogenic diet
Basically, it consists of 80% fat
10% carbohydrates and 10% protein
It sounds limiting, but is very healt6hy
i have to weigh out my food portions as well
because it depends on decresed calories as well
about 1250 calories a day
the first 24 hours of the diet are strict on no food consumption
in order to put the body into ketosis
or a state of burning fat over glucose
I have been following this diet rigorously so far
I hope to not necissarily lose weight but to control seizure symptoms
I love you all very much and hope to see some of you soon.

2007-07-19T16:51:00.000-05:00

Today was a much better day than it has been in a while.
I started with paperwork on my new job!
I now work at Hobby Lobby part time
What cooler job could I Find?
Anyway, I start tomorrow for orientation.
Today I also argued with Kroger to get my paycheck.
They now are two weeks behind to pay me.
I called the Union on them and probably will get payed tomorrow.
That was a dissapointment.
But, my house manager said it wasn't a problem to be behind on my rent.
For now I'm go0od.
I also started my seizure meds today which makes me feel so much better
Because I've been having myclonic seizures the last few days.
That has been very discouraging, but I'm feeling 100% better already.

2007-07-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

Well, today is a new week-monday of course
Last week I had a pretty good job
This week is uncertain
I worked at the Kroger Deli for a week
then my background check came back
and they told me I have to clear that before I can come back
My manager is nice and wants to help me anyway possible
even giving me work at her house for extra cash.
However, I received my letter from the company
claiming every arrest, fine, charge, and violation of probation i ever had
I am not a felon.
I have a misdemeanor B for possesion of marijuana <2ounces
a drug conviction.
This strains me from getting better paying jobs now
also, I can't get any student loans for 7 years
I will probably always have that drug conviction on my criminal record
even when it's expunged, it still shows up.
So, I'm doing what I can today to find a new job
or see if Kroger will work with me at all.
I'm depressed a bit
considering on july 18th, I will owe rent again.
I've been living litterally on loose change for weeks
I am sleeping less and seem to be pretty anxious as well.
However, I am not moping around or giving up today.
I got out of the house
I got cleaned up really nice
and I will keep positive to find a new job.
It just seems that when I get sober
life is much harder, or it seems harder
because I have real life struggles again
I have not relapsed in the last month
which was not too hard considering where I live
and that when I live on my own
a sense of responsibility kicks in for survival
If I lived at my parent's house
that doesn't seem to happen
oh, well about Kroger
I've pretty much put it behind me now
I'll post more pictures of Denton tomorrow
As I will take some pictures of various Denton landmarks.
Bis naechsten zeit!

2007-07-09T13:33:00.000-05:00

I now am employed at Kroger Deli
A wierd job for a vegetarian
oh well I have completed training
I probably go in this week some time
I also was promoted where I live
I temporarily have my own room
I live in the 2nd house with a total of 3 people
thats including me
I have been showing I can do my work here
I also carry the message to a homeless shelter in the Denton square.
It's really a positive place to live, for real
I can ride the bus all over, to work, to the mall, etc.
I like public transportation
especially since I have two suspensions on my license
and no car or auto insurance.
well love to those who need it
and safety for my parents while they travel
I'll put new pics up soon.

2007-07-05T00:10:00.000-05:00

For those who wonder where I live now, this is my house currently

2007-07-05T00:07:00.000-05:00

Happy forth of July Everyone!

2007-07-03T11:01:00.000-05:00

banana in my room at my parents house

aka last months residence! Love you anna!

2007-07-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

Mary Mary

quite contrary

how do your gardens grow

with cockel shells

and silver bells

all lined up in a row.

2007-07-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

Melissa! He he my bestesst friend also seems to be part of the warren clan as well.

2007-07-03T10:53:00.000-05:00

I love my mommy!

Possibly the most important woman in my life!

2007-07-03T10:50:00.000-05:00

Ahh my wonderful family

sisters, brother in laws, and my niece and nephew

2007-07-02T11:27:00.000-05:00

Hey today starts with early rise
I have an interview with Expresspersonnel
Then hopefully a job will be found
I am doing well today
I am prepared to work on my 12th step
The last step in my program
which entails sharing the message with others
I am feeling like I have a chance at sobriety
I also made some amends to people I harmed
That helps me feel more humble
Another day to progress!

2007-06-30T15:21:00.000-05:00

My darling niece and nephew

and my adorable sister and I

2007-06-30T14:07:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone
I am starting a blog to start this new chapter in my life
I am now 21 and live away from my parents for the 4th time in three years
I have a stable home in Denton where I receive help completing my recovery
I am a drug addict
More specifically I am in obsession to use stimulants
I have been diagnosed ADD
This means when I take stimulants I am able to calm down and focus better
However I am dragged into compulsion when I use illegal stimulants
I become overstimulated and a mean, selfish, dishonest being

Over the last three years
I have hurt people who love me the most
People who took me in
My sisters who I deep down really love
My parents who only want to help me
Strangers who got in my way

I have a lot of confessions and amends to attempt
This is part of my program
I don't know where I'll be in the end of this year
But I know I will have learned more about independence than I ever have

I don't want to keep running in circles
I have the disease of addiction
But now that I found a path to being recovered, not cured
I have a choice to not use drugs

Looking back at my past
I have had enough signs to show I am out of control
A Grand-Mal seizure
Arrest and Jail time
Probation Revoked
Family distress
Suicide attempts
Confrontations
Psychiatric Treatment
Rehabilitation
and a complete inability to stop even with these signs

I have seen many people
who use drugs
stop their habit and leave it behind them
They had sufficient consequences and quit
I have had sufficient reason to stop but found I could not
Not for lack of will power because I have a strong will
Except in the area of addiction
Countless times I have heard I will die sooner than I should
If I continue on a destructive path
I fear that could be true
Many loved ones seem prepared for my funeral
I don't want death in my twenties

But in my mind
a real part of me exists
that tells me I am invincible
attempts to convice me I'm not an addict
persuades me to use drugs to be better
tricks me into manipulative behavior
Tears me from help, love, and family
I have no control over this demonic voice in my head
It will lead me to death, disaster, and suffering
I can only ask for the obsession to be lifted by my creator
Whom many call God

I will have to have a spiritual relationship
If I follow the twelve steps of AA as they were intended
Then I am recovered

Even though I have tried to remain sober before
I disreguarded honest devotion to this program
My demonic voice convinced me AA is wrong
I allowed myself to relapse again and again expecting different results
This is the definition of insanity

Without spirituality, I am lost, hopeless, dead inside
I lose my charisma, my real personality that many people miss
This is not what I truly desire
I want to be happy, joyous, loved, and loving
This is what I am starting to feel for the first time in a very long time
Its hard for people to hear me say this time is different
And I don't intend for them to believe that
Until I have proven it true by actions and behavior
I want them to see me progress positively

I guess I had a lot to post today
There's a lot of hidden deep thoughts and ideas in my brain
However I can't prove my recovery by typing all day
So, with that I send love to my family and friends
And a safe journey to my family this weekend
I hope your vacation is enjoyable