My darling niece and nephew

and my adorable sister and I

Hello Everyone
I am starting a blog to start this new chapter in my life
I am now 21 and live away from my parents for the 4th time in three years
I have a stable home in Denton where I receive help completing my recovery
I am a drug addict
More specifically I am in obsession to use stimulants
I have been diagnosed ADD
This means when I take stimulants I am able to calm down and focus better
However I am dragged into compulsion when I use illegal stimulants
I become overstimulated and a mean, selfish, dishonest being

Over the last three years
I have hurt people who love me the most
People who took me in
My sisters who I deep down really love
My parents who only want to help me
Strangers who got in my way

I have a lot of confessions and amends to attempt
This is part of my program
I don't know where I'll be in the end of this year
But I know I will have learned more about independence than I ever have

I don't want to keep running in circles
I have the disease of addiction
But now that I found a path to being recovered, not cured
I have a choice to not use drugs

Looking back at my past
I have had enough signs to show I am out of control
A Grand-Mal seizure
Arrest and Jail time
Probation Revoked
Family distress
Suicide attempts
Confrontations
Psychiatric Treatment
Rehabilitation
and a complete inability to stop even with these signs

I have seen many people
who use drugs
stop their habit and leave it behind them
They had sufficient consequences and quit
I have had sufficient reason to stop but found I could not
Not for lack of will power because I have a strong will
Except in the area of addiction
Countless times I have heard I will die sooner than I should
If I continue on a destructive path
I fear that could be true
Many loved ones seem prepared for my funeral
I don't want death in my twenties

But in my mind
a real part of me exists
that tells me I am invincible
attempts to convice me I'm not an addict
persuades me to use drugs to be better
tricks me into manipulative behavior
Tears me from help, love, and family
I have no control over this demonic voice in my head
It will lead me to death, disaster, and suffering
I can only ask for the obsession to be lifted by my creator
Whom many call God

I will have to have a spiritual relationship
If I follow the twelve steps of AA as they were intended
Then I am recovered

Even though I have tried to remain sober before
I disreguarded honest devotion to this program
My demonic voice convinced me AA is wrong
I allowed myself to relapse again and again expecting different results
This is the definition of insanity

Without spirituality, I am lost, hopeless, dead inside
I lose my charisma, my real personality that many people miss
This is not what I truly desire
I want to be happy, joyous, loved, and loving
This is what I am starting to feel for the first time in a very long time
Its hard for people to hear me say this time is different
And I don't intend for them to believe that
Until I have proven it true by actions and behavior
I want them to see me progress positively

I guess I had a lot to post today
There's a lot of hidden deep thoughts and ideas in my brain
However I can't prove my recovery by typing all day
So, with that I send love to my family and friends
And a safe journey to my family this weekend
I hope your vacation is enjoyable